TLC by Chrouya
Script:	 Little Busters 05 TL - timed aho [Edit OtakuFreak]
Workraw: Little Busters! 05 WR

TO QC 
===> FOCUS ON CAPITALIZATION IN THE SCRIPT, IT GOES VERY WRONG WITH NEW LINES, TOO MUCH TO NOTE DOWN HERE :(

2
Muscles, muscles on the move!
{the idiom used here is "passing through", liberalise if deemed necessary.}

10
Rin-chan, Yui-chan, thanks for playing with me!
Rin-chan, Yui-chan, thanks for the game!
{I'd suggest to use this instead. They're not playing for her sake}

11
You bet, Komari-kun, you're such a bundle of energy.
You bet. Komari-kun, you're such a bundle of energy.
{the comma makes no sense there}

13
Wait, where is Yui-chan?
Wait, where is this person called Yui-chan?
{more obvious and oblivious}

22
She really doesn't like to be the subject of attention, does she? Natsume-imouto.
Natsume's little sister really doesn't like to be the subject of attention, does she?
{too fragmented English sentence. This fixes it.}

43
Yesterday, right...
Yesterday...
{omit the word "right"}

52
Onii-chan… I wonder if he's looking for me… Wherever he is.
Onii-chan… I wonder if he's looking for me somewhere.
{I'd lessen the amount of omissions and pauses}

53
That's why, in my dreams, he may be calling for me.
That's why he may be calling for me in my dreams.
{too many commas}

58
And then… He died.
And then… He passed away.
{alternative}

61
Riki, isn't there a way we can look for him? Her brother.
Riki, isn't there a way we can find her brother?
{this sentence is hardly possible in colloquial English.}

63
Get out of here! {He says 来るな, not こら as in JP script}
{He actually does says kora (albeit heavily accented; I checked the spectrogram), but keeping the translation as is.}

81
Komari-san has that dream of her brother a lot, it seems.
Komari-san dreams a lot about her brother, it seems.
{it's not a specific dream}

105
That's probably the reason.
That's probably not the only reason.
{the negative wasn't added into the sentence...}

112
Nope, I'm not! I'm not the <i>Komari</i> Komari.
Nope, I'm not! I'm not the Komari you know.
{an alternative suggestion is to liberalize this to a bit more flowing English}

120
Cuz tonight I'm staying up until morning and eating chips and crackers.
{cuz? And here I was thinking that we left all characters mostly unaccented}

124
Oh that's right, if you want to come along, my room's a good spot!
Oh that's right, if you want to come along, I know a good spot!
{she's inviting her to the rooftop instead of her room as seen later}
{which is why they're "close to them"}

126
From somewhere close to Mr. Stars!
From somewhere close to them!
{I don't believe the term mr. stars exists. "ohoshisama" is honorable addressing for the stars. If no alternative available, leave it out}

130
When you say that, It really does look like a starry sky.
When you're the one saying that, it really does look like a starry sky.
{random capitalization there. Also, emphasis on Komari being the one saying it.}

139
That we'll see a shooting star... What can I make that wish on, I wonder? {awkward phrase, I must say - saru)
What should we wish upon, so that we'll see a shooting star? 
{I'm putting the wonder in the verb "should", and switched the clauses around}

143
"On what can we wish upon seeing a shooting star…"
"What should we wish upon, so that we'll see a shooting star?"
{copy the previous mentioned line, now in quotation marks}
{it's the same sentence, why was it different in translation?}

147
Today it's bear-san...
{Perhaps it's better if you localize this part and say "Mr. Bear" instead of bear-san. If you keep bear-san, capitalize it -> Bear-san}
{the same goes for Mrs. Flower <-> Flower-san }

157
Here, have a black cosshee.
Here, have some black coffee.
{kooshii is an alternative spelling for coffee}
{for your information, it's this can:}
http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_HpqvRi2uT_4/S8b_uTKN7HI/AAAAAAAAAks/DiseEwkAAGg/s1600/IMG_0797.JPG

167
Beautiful things. 
{I vote beautiful instead of wonderful}

168
It's like your eyes can see all kinds of things that normal people's can't.
It's like your eyes can perceive more things than ordinary people's eyes.
{I didn't like this wording}
169
I am normal.
I am ordinary.

184
I did the same! (I wished for the same thing!)
I wished for the same!
{how about a mix of the two?}

187
It's fun when we're all together,
The reason it's so fun when we're all together,
188
When we're all together, I think we make each other happy.
is because we feel happy for each other when we gather.

203
The story about the match-selling girl.
The story called "The Little Match Girl".
204
The match-selling girl?
The Little Match Girl?
{ http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Little_Match_Girl }

205 206
And her life disappeared along with the last shooting star of the night.
{I'd combine the sentences}

212
YOU KNOW, Riki-kun...
Hey, Riki-kun...
{Sorry Lurid, but please agree that all caps does look a bit bleh in subtitles.}

215
What?! {I prefer this than Eh?!}
{Remove the exclamation mark, perhaps?}

246
It's a fish-san!
Lots of fish here!
{I don't like the phrasing here. I thought of an alternative like "There's a fish!" ...Perhaps that works.}

257
Even if I just lose an old used-up rubber eraser,
Even when I just lose an old used-up rubber eraser,

260
Couldn't you… Not look?
Couldn't you… Just stop looking?
{I don't like the phrasing here again}

264
Good.{ is it really necessary? - saru}
{Omit this line. It isn't.}

265
Then… Would you be my Onii-chan, Riki-kun?
Then… Would you become my Onii-chan, Riki-kun?

285
It's alright, Komari.
Listen carefully, Komari.
{iikai isn't "daijoubu". Iika(i) is to let the listener know that the following should be remembered.}


[EPISODE SIGN]
Episode 5
In search for what was lost.